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Dear Hot Dog and Lady Bun,

My girlfriend smokes weed every day. It’s like she can’t hang out with me unless she’s stoned. I don’t smoke pot but what can I do to make her feel like she doesn’t have to smoke to have fun around me?

Hot Dog Blows Some Knowledge in Your Face

Remember pot is not addictive. It’s just a thing that some people have to do every day from the moment they wake up to the moment they go to sleep. But those people are not addicted, they just “love pot a lot.” But honestly, they could be doing a lot worse things, like constantly listening to Tori Amos or getting into Downton Abbey. So count your blessings. But it’s understandable that constant pot smoking can seem like a boring routine. And let’s be honest, you probably won’t be able to convince her to not smoke weed, but you can do some things to make her feel like she doesn’t need to.

• Rename yourself “Raspberry Cooze” and claim to be somehow different from when your name was just “John.”
• Constantly remind her of things she did ten years ago that she feels bad about, and suggest she should call those people and apologize. This will mimic the “fun paranoia” of being stoned!
• Watch NY1 for far too long and when she asks why, say, “The remote is judging me.” She’ll identify with that!

But sometimes doing all of that will not keep her off the pot. Here’s some easy and direct ways to ask her to smoke less:

• “Hey baby. I’ll be your pot. You can smoke me. Seriously, put these fingernail clippings in your bong.”
• “I’m only addicted to you. Well, you and alcohol.”
• “If you think about it, my penis is kinda like a bong, but please don’t light my balls on fire like last time.”