There’s a lot of things that go into deciding how to get ready for a first date: What to wear, what cologne to choose, how much you’re going to mention that your grandparents were probably Nazis, etc. When dressing yourself, keep in mind that you don’t dress for the job you have, you dress for the job you want! Are you interested in someday getting married? Wear a tux to dinner! Or if you’re interested in just having sex, try a bathrobe with one of those elephant thongs where your dick goes in the trunk! But the main thing dudes need to keep in mind on a first date is: Ladies love an assertive man. So B- E- Aggressive! Here’s some tips on how to show that lady who’s playing Tony Danza in this “Who’s the Boss” scenario:

·   Ladies want to be taken care of! Take the reigns by planning the date! Choose a place to eat, then go that extra mile and send her an outfit that she HAS TO wear. Ladies love being looked after and having no choices!

·   Plan on ordering a steak at dinner to show her you are not anemic. LADIES ARE GENETICALLY PRE-DISPOSED TO HATE IRON DEFICIENCIES! When the steak comes, take one bite, let it fall out of your mouth and say, “I wouldn’t feed this to a dog.” That will show her that you have discerning taste and love animals.

·   Playing “footsie” under the table is a great way to show a lady you’re not afraid of intimacy. Prepare for your date by taping a vibrator to your ankle. Then play the fun game, “Quietly Come at the Table.”

New episode of Hot Dog and the Lady Bun by myself and Albertina Rizzo on Vice today!

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