My Friend Carl really needs a roommate - seriously. But he can’t help himself when people respond to his craigslist ad:

The Ad:
2 bedroom apt. Bedroom for rent is 8’ x 12’ with a closet (9’ H x 5’ 7w x 1’9 D) and a window. It’s on the 1st floor and there is a laundry room down the hall. Bills are $60 a month at the most. No pets, no smoking. I’m quiet, rarely have people over and I’m usually in my room writing or watching movies. I have 2 bodies in the freezer and listen to music on headphones. I’m male.

The response:
Re: Hello,I am basically the ideal roommate to be had. I am in my late 20s, super clean, no pets, non smoker, and have a great personality and upbeat attitude. I work full time M-F sometimes weekends too in the creative industry and I also travel overseas for work. I am very active and social so I love coming home to a peaceful home at night. I like to maintain a fairly healthy and green lifestyle. I like to shop at the farmers market or csa and buy natural cleaning products. I am not ocd about it by any means. I like to bike, yoga, trapeze, ice skate, rock climb, and take random classes in my free time. Let me know if I may come by to see your apartment and meet you.Cheers,Nicholas

Carl’s Response:
Me Re:Re:Nicholas, pick a time and a place and I will deliver the ass kicking you’ve deserved your entire life. Nicholas it’s time. Nicholas this is for your own good. Nicholas after I break your goddamn nose your eyes will well up with tears and you’ll feel what can only be described as a broken nose. Only then Nicholas will you understand what it is to be an ideal roommate. Nicholas, one time in Baltimore I smoked angel dust and ran though a storm drain for 2 miles trying to find a turtle. There wasn’t a turtle Nicholas. Look me in the fucking eyes Nicholas! I would like to add that most of my friends at some point have told me that I’m a great hugger. Don’t sell me short. Looking ahead,Carl