Wednesday is here and that means more Hot Dog and The Lady Bun is up on Vice.com - this week Albertina Rizzo and I give advice on how to get your slobber on (kiss). Here’s my 9 easy steps to becoming a better kisser. (Go here for the full article:http://www.vice.com/read/hot-dog-lady-bun-romantic-kissing)
1. CONFIDENCE! Women want to feel like you’re sweeping them off their feet! Try kicking her legs out from underneath her the next time you kiss! Then hold her upright with your tongue!
2. ORAL! You gotta have a mouth to kiss! If you don’t have a mouth try making one using wax or by putting teeth in a vagina. If she doesn’t have a mouth, fold her arm and lick the crevice inside her elbow.
3. LOVE! When she’s kissed, a woman wants to feel like your tongue is a singing telegram and the message is, “I love you.” If you don’t love her, trick her mouth into thinking you do by imagining that she’s something you do love, like pizza or long walks.
4. OLIVES – Italian men are amazing kissers (and also the most rapey seeming of the Europeans, but hey, they created aqueducts!) so keep some olives in your pocket to make you smell more Italian!
5. SECRETS – Women love secrets. That’s why they deny farts and abortions. See, secrets are big part of a woman’s life, starting with her vagina, which in Latin means “Terrible Secret Valley.” Keep your own secret in your head while kissing to make you seem more attractive to a lady. My secret is that I breast-fed until the age of five. I think about that when I kiss ladies. (It’s my personal Viagra!)
6. TATTOO - Imagine your tongue is a tattoo gun and you’re inking your name onto the roof of her mouth. Quick, sharp, tongue strikes are essential to a good kiss!
7. OLIVES (again!) – One of my secrets is, “You can never have too many olives.” Keep some more olives in your cheek when kissing, just in case that kiss lasts too long and you get hungry. It’s very European!
8. METER - Keep the meter on! Kissing is a lot like taking a cab, in that you need to know what your destination is, it will be hard to understand each other while it’s happening, and you can’t smoke while you do it (unless both of you are really drunk). Before you start kissing decide if your destination is Fuckleton, or just a quick stop at Heavy Petting Drive. Then keep an eye on the meter and get out before it gets too expensive!
9. YACK - In closing, don’t throw up! A lot of people’s first reaction to having a foreign tongue in their mouth is to reject it by vomiting. (At least I know I did, LOL!) Prevent this very normal human autonomic response by thinking about doing diarrhea while you kiss (it’s the opposite of vomiting).
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Kurt Braunohler is an “adult” male comedian. In the spring of 2012 he was measured at 6’4”, weighing 204 lbs and tagged with a radio transmitter. He recently was named one of Time Out NY’s “50 Funniest New Yorkers” ...more
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