Albertina Rizzo (aka The LAdy Bun) and I have done it again! We gave more terrible dating advice! Go here for the whole thing: http://www.vice.com/read/hot-dog-lady-bun-knock-up

Or stay here for just a sweet taste:

Dear Susaine Boozler,
Here’s a super secret that no one else wants you to know: The first step in dating is meeting people. Unfortunately, everything we learned as children works against us as dating adults. See, the rules that apply to dating are the complete opposite of the rules you are given as a toddler. For example:

·      Don’t talk to strangers.

·      If someone touches you down there, tell your parents.

·      If you don’t know where it’s been don’t put it in your mouth.

In short, if you want to date, you have to unlearn all basic child safety. But where can you go to meet strangers AND talk to them? The answer is simple: Anywhere. Here are some tips designed to take you from getting “tucked in” to getting “fucked in.”

You see, dates are like oral examinations at a really shitty university that only studies small talk. Just like an oral exam, you need to study hard and take a lot of speed. Think of these ice breakers as your campus library-cum-drug dealer… because let’s face it, the only use libraries have anymore is for homeless people to check their email. 

·      Be fun! “Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner you can do me in the butt?”

·      Be informative! “Did you know that our bodies are made 90% of water? The other 10% is mostly bread. That’s where the saying, ‘ Teach a man to fish,’ comes from.”

·      Be sexy! “You’re making me so wet I need to change my adult diaper.”